What does it mean to be asexual? Is something that many people are curious about. To be asexual means your sexual orientation is different to heterosexuals, pansexuals, bisexuals, and homosexuals, because those sexualities are all about who you are sexually attracted to, but asexuality is a sexual orientation that is the lack of sexual attraction, and means in broad terms you are sexually attracted to no one. So you don’t look at any gender/person and think I want ‘sex with you’. You don’t get the need, urge, or want, for partnered sexual intercourse, in fact you often feel that is one of the worse things you could be doing, and would much rather be doing other things.
An easy way to remember it, is that the word ‘A’ and the word ‘sexual’, are put together to form the word ‘Asexual’, and the ‘A’ stands for ‘absence of’ sexual attraction.
The full definition of Asexuality according to Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality :
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity
So this is where is can get a bit blurry, because many asexuals lack sexual attraction and others could just have low or absent interest in sexual activity, but still have some sexual attraction, yet not want to have sex or not be interested in sexual activities – in my experience these latter asexuals are usually on the Grey-Asexual end of the asexual spectrum. It also depends on how you define sexual activity. Some asexuals who lack sexual attraction, could participate sexual activities, and may like that, as sexual behaviour is not the same as sexual attraction. So for example, some asexuals may like to touch all over the body of their partner, and to touch the genitals of their partner and masturbate them, but not want sex, and never feel the need, urge, or want for sex. Many others will be completely repulsed by that idea. Or they may like doing sexual activities with themselves, such as masturbating themselves, whether that be manually with their hands/fingers, or using sex toys, but not with anyone else. Not all asexuals masturbate, but a number of them do, and they would rather do that than have anyone else doing sexual acts with them. Some asexuals still have a sex drive, but it’s not aimed at anyone and others still get aroused, but that arousal doesn’t lead to a need, urge, or want, to have partnered sexual intercourse, it’s just something their body does naturally. Some asexuals are romantic and still experience romantic attraction and others experience no romantic attraction.
- Attraction to the opposite gender romantically = heteroromantic
- Attraction to the same gender romantically = homoromantic
- Attracted to both the same and opposite gender = biromantic
- Attraction to any possible gender romantically = panromantic
- Asexual and no romantic attraction = aromantic asexual (You can also get aromantic sexuals, those who do want sex, and do experience sexual attraction, but are not romantic)
So if you look at anyone and think, I want to have sex with you and you would have it in reality with them, given the chance, you would NOT be asexual.
So asexuality is a spectrum, ranging from those who experience no sexual attraction and no romantic attraction, to those who experience romantic attraction but no sexual attraction, to those who are on the more sexual end of the asexual spectrum and may experience sexual attraction, under limited, rare, or specific circumstances, but not enough to want to act on it. (There are also lots of sub-identities too on this spectrum, but I want to stick to basics for this article.) There are also people who are known as demisexual, which falls under Grey Asexuality, and means they don’t experience sexual attraction at all, unless and until, a very deep emotional bond has been formed. The bond usually also has to be maintained and sustained for the sexual attraction to still exist. Some demisexuals can live quite happily without sex ever, even if they do form that bond and experience sexual attraction, others need to have sex in a relationship, once they experience sexual attraction, which is no good if they are in a relationship with a monogamous sex-repulsed asexual who doesn’t want sex ever, and especially if they don’t want to do any sexual activities either.
There is also an aromatic spectrum:
- Aromantic = no romantic attraction
- Grey-Romantic = can experience romantic attraction, in limited, under limited, rare, or specific circumstances, but not enough to want to act on it
- Demi-Romantic = can experience romantic attraction only when a deep emotional bond has been formed
- Cupioromantic = desires to have a romantic relationship and be romantic, despite not experiencing romantic attraction
So there is a lot of things to consider when you first discover you are asexual and where you fall on the asexual spectrum. If you want to know more about asexuality and you want to be shown what the asexual spectrum is, rather than just be given text book definitions, and to read 47 different asexual perspectives on love, life and sex, and what it feels like to be asexual in this highly sexualised world, and get the best advice on how to survive it, get a copy of ASEXUAL PERSPECTIVES: 47 Asexual Stories: LOVE, LIFE and SEX, ACElebration of ASEXUAL DIVERSITY here https://amzn.to/2L9Y9qI
If you have fibromyalgia, or you suffer with depression or anxiety, you should check out my autobiographical Fibromyalgia Self-Help Handbook as not only does it mention asexuality in the book, it also explains how to overcome depression and decrease your anxiety, and the techniques work, regardless of whether you have fibromyalgia or not. I know a lot of asexuals who have depression and anxiety, and this book will really help with that, check out www.acefibrogirl.com and see the reviews – which are by asexuals who don’t have fibro, and it helped them! https://amzn.to/2Y8msdZ
Looking for asexual merch? https://www.redbubble.com/people/asexualise/shop
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