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I recently saw a video that gave a different definition of asexy to my own. I define asexy as something that would usually be seen as sexy, but minus the sexual attraction – so if I was attracted to the guy, I might find him hot looking aesthetically or he might have a magnetic charm, but unlike sexuals, as an asexual, I would not want sex with him because I would not get the urge for that.
While I was searching the internet for how others define asexy, I came across a ‘playboy’ article in which David Jay – founder of www.asexuality.org answered the story behind why asexuals joke about cake. He was interviewed by Debra W. Soh, who is a sex writer and sexual neuroscientist at York University in Toronto. She has written for Harper’s, The Wall Street Journal, Scientific American, The Los Angeles Times, The Globe and Mail and many others. Follow her on Twitter: @debra_soh.
Here is her question and his answer:
“Can you explain the story behind how a slice of cake became a symbol of asexuality and what it means to the Ace community?”
“The moment when new people show up to the community has always been a little sacred for us; it’s when people realize that they’re not alone. Cake started as a symbol of welcome: Someone would join the community and post their story, and people would come in and post a little image of cake. Since then, it’s expanded, and has become a little like the rainbow, though these days the Ace flag gets used much more.”
And here is a link to the full article https://www.playboy.com/articles/david-jay-asexy It is on the playboy site – a magazine aimed at sexuals.
1) You don’t have to worry about getting a STD.
2) No risk of getting pregnant or of getting someone pregnant.
3) No pressure or expectation to perform.
4) You will be loved for who you are, not for how many orgasms you can attempt to give or have.
5) Less mess and changing of bed sheets!
6) Relationship compatibility is increased because there is more focus on shared mutual interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes – rather than sexual attraction being the primary reason for the relationship to start and continue.
7) Less divorce rates due to impotency or lack of sex, if you are not having it anyway.
8) You have more time to focus on other things.
9) You don’t have to feel guilty if you are too tired to have sex or not in the mood.
10) There is more chance of getting to the root of relationship problems, and either sorting them out or cutting your losses sooner – rather than using sex as a kiss and make-up mask over the problem – leading to more frustration, hurt and pain, later on!
Before I go any further with this ‘how to come out as asexual’ post, let me tell you that you owe it to yourself and to be fair to others if you are in a relationship, to say that you are not into sex, but you do not have to say right away that you are asexual. You can just say things like I am not into sex. I just don’t like sex. I have never liked sex. I don’t associate sex with love. These explain how you feel, rather than use the term asexual which others may try to object to. No one can object to how you feel, because those feelings are yours and you own them, and no one has the right to take those away from you.
However, if you do want to come out as asexual, someone asked me how to come out as asexual to their boyfriend and others, here was my advice! Hope it helps!
Honesty is way better in the long-term for you to live your life as your authentic self, however, it is best you prepare for objections in advance and know not everyone may like what you have to say but to remain strong and adamant that you are asexual and be confident with it. Confidence is key.
Firstly, I would confide in a friend/s or family member/s who you believe would most likely take it well because they are open-minded – I would do this first so you can see their reaction and also hopefully they will understand your situation and you can get them on side so it gives that initial confidence boost! It is not guaranteed to work – but it helps if you have people who either back you up or just don’t mind about it. If you cannot get any support there and you need a confidence boost before telling others about it, go in Asexual Facebook groups or asexual online forums, so you can at least feel less alone and supported and have an outlet should things not go as planned or people continue to be negative – however, be sure to go with the mindset that there is nothing wrong in being asexual, that there are thousands of people on the planet who are – a recorded 1%, that is 1 in every 100 people you are likely to be asexual – that is a good fact to tell people too, to help them understand it is actually more common than they think! Then tell others in order of importance and urgency.
I came out to my parents first, I just told them in a confident and matter of fact way, that I think I am asexual and explained what it was, and by the second conversation they said it sounds like me, and are far more understanding now then they have ever been, about me, my personality, and my life! But the first friend I told was not good about it and said I just hadn’t met the right person yet. – So you can prepare to answer that question with something like, ‘yes, you are right, I just haven’t met the right asexual person yet!’ The reason this friend was adamant about me not being asexual, was in her opinion, I was always talking about guys and I explained that is because I liked them aesthetically and romantically. But not only that, I was under-confident about my asexuality back then and wishy-washy with it, and not strong and speaking with conviction, if I had been adamant, and confident, it would have helped tremendously, so remember to be the most confident you can possibly be!
In terms of your boyfriend – meet up with him in private and sit him down and explain to him about asexuality and what it is and how that impacts you and makes you feel. Explain how important he is to you and how much you love him and trust him and that you feel so comfortable with him that you wanted to tell him how you feel, that you would have liked to have shared this with him before, but did not know how to go about it and now feel more confident in saying. (It’s important to use feeling words and put the emphasis or you being responsible for your asexuality). Allow him time to ask questions, think, and come to terms with it. You can say, I realise this may be new to you but I want us to grow stronger and closer together through sharing this with you. Then take it from there. I hope that helps. I am also at http://www.youtube.com/asexualisemyasexuallife.
Also, asexuality.org has some great info.
Was this helpful? Let me know what you think in the comments below!
Asexual Self-Love: How To Self-Love At Home The Asexual Way. It’s so important when single especially, to self-love at home. Sometimes spending a lot of time on your own at home can be fabulous, but for some others, it can feel lonely and isolating, this is why it is important to develop a self-love attitude! In this video I reveal ways you can self-love at home!
Self-love should be a daily practise! And self-dating should be a must. But what are some things you can do to self-love at home?
Here are some key points from the video!
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So after being single for almost 6 years, and searching for my Asexual soulmate for over 3 years since 2014 on Asexual dating sites www.asexualitic.com and www.ace-book.net , I finally found him in my own Asexualise Dating Facebook group, that is strictly for asexuals only, who want to date and find a committed forever relationship/s without sex ever. So from Monday 1st of October we became in an official asexual relationship. I am really thrilled about this, love without sex definitely exists with us.
So if you are new Asexuality and don’t know what I am talking about, asexuality is a sexual orientation, that is barely unheard of and deeply misunderstood. It means a lack of sexual attraction. Asexuals make up about 1% of the world population, that is 1 in every 100 people you meet are likely to be asexual.
So in broad terms an asexual person is someone who does not get the need, urge, or want, for partnered sex (intercourse). Although some may still have it to please their sexual partner or because they enjoy it as an activity to do, like a board game. I have had sex in the past but would rather not have done. That was before I realised I am a heteroromantic asexual, not a heterosexual. I actually define myself as a Heteroromantic, Hyper-romantic, Grey A, Asexual, Younger Cougar, who does not like sex, just kissing. That means I get attracted romantically to the opposite sex – guys, just not sexually; I am extremely romantic to the extent that would be incomprehensible to some who are not like that, so I can fall in love easily, over a few texts messages or Skype sessions for example – I have been managing that well, so trying to refrain from doing that, but yeah, I love my guy, but we have known each more than that, so it’s fine. And I literally love the romance that Disney movies are made of and making it come to reality! I feel loved up almost 24/7 just with myself!
I have grey areas, so my body gets aroused, but I still have no need, want or urge, for sex, ever.
I am Grey A, which I define as having Grey Areas, because I experience high levels of arousal and can get aroused in my body, by myself, without touching anything or thinking about anyone, or from just thinking about the word aroused, or thinking about kissing, and also by actual kissing. I never go to look at porn, that is personally yuk to me, and if I happen to talk about sex, which happens more as I help a lot of people discover if they are asexual or not, and asexuals often talk more about what they physically can and can’t cope with and like than sexuals do, or I see some sexual images by accident pop up in my Twitter feed for example – and I block them, unfortunately it can set off my arousal, even though I hate sex and sex personally repulses me these days, for me – not for others. People think arousal and sexual attraction are the same thing but they are not, although for sexuals they can be intertwined, as one can instantly lead to the other, for asexuals they are usually separate. Just think, if you touch your genitalia, you are likely to get aroused – think masturbation, but for asexuals, if they do that, it is usually to release arousal feelings with no desire for sex. Some do it for other reasons such as to de-stress or use it as a tool to go to sleep.
I am an asexual cougar means I get attracted to guys who are younger than me and in my case usually foreign, (although my soulmate is British born he still has a foreign looking face from his mum’s side of the family), and I only want a relationship with a younger guy but to be romantic with, kiss, cuddle, hold hands, not have sex with. And in my case I am also nudity repulsed and have no desire to see a guy naked below the waist.
My Asexual guy lives in London in the UK and can relocate, he is also a heteroromantic, hyper-romantic and sex repulsed. He is not into nudity either, but loves passionate kissing like I do and is quite happy to be with someone older in birth certificate age. Although younger, he is older in birth certificate age than I would usually go for, and he is not that much younger, but it doesn’t matter as he is adorable and looks younger in person and has an incredibly amazing personality and I feel so lucky and blessed to have found him, at last!! We both like doing young stuff. We have quite a lot of other stuff in common and get on really well and he is coming to see me for 5 days next month and I can’t wait. I am super excited about that!
If you want to know more about asexuality, I wrote a book called Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories, Love, Life and Sex, ACElebration of Asexual Diversity, and be sure to like www.facebook.com/acexualise And you can find the biggest online community of asexuals at www.asexuality.org
If you have a partner, whether they are sexual or asexual, how long did it take to find the partner of your dreams?
Until next time, stay ace
Sandra xx
(UPDATE – Sadly it didn’t work out with this guy and you can read what happened in my next post)
Yes, you did read right, Sacrifices Asexuals Make For Sexuals! Not the other way around. How many times have you heard, he, she, they, are making a huge sacrifice by being with you and abstaining from sex, because they care about you and love you? You should be grateful; thankful; look at what they are doing for you!!!
It’s not like their penis is going to drop off or their vagina is going to shrivel up if they don’t have partnered sex. There is always masturbation, which can be an art form in itself and challenging enough to get yourself good at. In fact, I have a gay friend at my current day job, who loves a lot of sex as a hobby, he has been single for years. He always says how he can give himself better sex than others can do for him. I have heard others say this too.
So what sacrifices do asexuals make for sexuals?
Whilever an asexual is in a relationship with a sexual, there is the constant worry or concern, if in a monogamous relationship, that their partner may cheat and have sex with someone else. Sexuals won’t usually have to worry about this with asexuals – lucky them!! However, this can be very anxiety inducing for asexuals, which is turn can reduce everyday happiness and pump up stress levels, having a negative impact on their body; emotional wellbeing; mindset; and can be soul crushing.
Trust can understandably be difficult for aexuals because of the risk of their sexual partner cheating, yet asexuals are somehow just ‘meant’ to trust them and are often considered as being unreasonable when they say they find it hard to trust. Trust is earnt, not a given, and shouldn’t just be expected.
If a sexual is giving up sex for an asexual, the asexual can feel guilty about it, or highly privileged and put their partner on a pedestal. This can lead to them accepting bad behaviour from a partner and abuse.
Asexuals can be starved of kisses, romance and affection. Some sexuals withhold kisses, romance, and affection, from their asexual partner, if they are not having sex. The sexual can feel frustrated that they are not getting the sex they want and as they often see kissing and affection as a prerequisite to sex, if they are not getting sex as an end result, they don’t see the point of why they should do that. This can be very controlling and emotionally manipulative for the asexual and in turn lead to unhappiness, tears and distance between each other. It is upsetting for the asexual because they still love their partner and still often need that closeness, just not the intercourse. An asexual may put up with this lack of romance, kissing and affection, because they love their partner so much. They are sacrificing their own happiness to be with a partner who they love, but who is not physically demonstrating they love them back.
Some asexuals will have sex with their partner to please them, even if they don’t really want to. This can feel like self-abuse and lead to psychological trauma, not to mention be physically anxiety inducing.
There is a higher risk of potential rape if they don’t want sex ever. Their partner may pounce on them – in this way they are risking their life to be with a sexual, as well as unexpected or unwanted pregnancy.
An asexual can be made to feel bad by a sexual if they don’t have sex, to coerce them into having it. They can be accused by their partner of not loving them and that can be so harmful and hurtful for the asexual. It can result in the asexual being emotionally blackmailed into sex, and constantly feel like they may lose their partner at any given moment if they don’t comply.
An asexual can feel deeply misunderstood by their sexual partner and lonely in the relationship with them, especially if the sexual refuses to understand, won’t try to learn about asexuality, or even entertain the notion of what it really means to be asexual. The sexual can keep putting pressure on the asexual to change, or keep saying they feel rejected, which in turn makes the asexual feel bad about themselves and can lower their confidence and self-esteem. Just because the asexual does not get the urge, want, or need to have sex with them, does not mean to say they do not love their partner, but when their partner associates sex with love, they are trapped in an endless cycle of a ‘loveless’ relationship, when both partners could love each other, just they express it different ways. But the sexual can’t see past the sex-love equation and the asexual can feel in despair and hopeless just for being asexual in orientation and being able to love without sex. Just like the sexual may feel frustrated for not getting the sex they want, the relationship can be equally frustrating for asexuals in this way, as they cannot understand why the sexual cannot just love them without sex. At the end of the day, if something happened to the sexual and they could not have sex for any reason, the asexual would still be with them.
If a sexual tells a monogamous asexual they can live without sex, there is always the potential risk they could change their mind at any point and this can be a constant worry for the asexual. And if this happens, the asexual is backed into a corner. If they don’t want their partner to have sex with anyone else, they are forced to choose to have sex to please their partner; compromise themselves sexually in some other way; put up with their partner constantly complaining and being unhappy about not getting enough sex – or they have to leave their partner, which many won’t do because of the strong emotional bond that they have formed or because they are married. OR their partner leaves them and they have wasted all that time and energy on someone who could not love them for who they are, while missing out on asexual love with another asexual.
So all in all, asexuals sacrifice so much to be with a sexual. That is it really worth all that hassle, pain and tears? I am sure from reading a lot of comments from asexuals in forums and groups, that the majority would prefer to be in a relationship with another asexual. With just a recorded 1% of the population being asexual, it means there is a higher chance of an asexual being with a sexual. If we had more asexuals coming out, I think more asexuals could have happier, healthier, and more loving relationships with other asexuals.
So if a sexual is reading this, you should be truly grateful, thankful, and appreciative of everything an asexual sacrifices for you. You gave up sex, look at what they are giving up for you! Look at the lifestyle and physical closeness they are potentially missing out on having with another asexual, just to be with you. Look at all the risks, worry, anxiety they can encounter, all the while they are loving you and being physically faithful to you! Look how much an asexual can love you for you without the sex. Just imagine how much happier they would potentially be with another asexual and what they are giving up for you!
Always stay ace and don’t forget to like Asexualise on Facebook! And check out Asexual apparel and accessories on www.redbubble.com/people/asexualise/shop
Listen to my interview about Asexuality and my personal Asexual story on the Straight Up Gay Podcast – and no, I am not gay, I am a heteroromatic asexual – attracted to guys (hetero), I don’t want sex, love kissing and romance, but asexuality is tagged onto the LGBT+ QIA Acronym. Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning, Intersex, Asexual. Although Asexuality is about who you are not sexually attracted to – no one, whereas the other identities are based on who you are sexually attracted to. Which is why I find it a bit strange we are part of the same community, as we have different thinking. I understand that we are all in the minority, but our orientations are based around different types of attraction. What do you think about this?
Here is the link to iTunes
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-straight-up-gay-podcast/id1191090742?mt=2&i=1000391267315
If you haven’t grabbed yourself a copy of my Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories book on Amazon, it is an insightful read, so be sure to check it out and shop now!! http://amzn.to/2gKnsDs
In broad terms Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, but what does this actually mean for those who identify with this sexual orientation? And what do asexuals really think of love, life and sex?
Whilst all asexuals have one thing in common – the lack of sexual attraction towards a specific person, we are all different in our likes, needs, wants and dislikes. This can make fitting into the asexual spectrum and finding a suitable relationship difficult.
Right now, there are a number of myths about asexuality and stereotypes – even within the asexual community, about what asexuals do and do not like, should and should not do, and these need to be addressed and broken through!
If you identify as asexual do you –
Struggle to have a voice in this sexualized world?
Feel alone?
Misunderstood?
Misplaced?
Broken?
Left out?
Not recognised?
Have no one to relate to?
Find it difficult to find others like you?
Feel like everyone is speaking a foreign language where sex is concerned?Or are you unsure of your identity and sometimes get confused and you want to know what asexuals really think of Love, Life and Sex, and what experiences they have had or are having; and how they manage their relationships? If so, then look no further than this book. In this book you will discover asexuals who feel just like you.
In this book I will reveal my own asexual perspective and personal story as well as perspectives from 46 asexuals around the globe; dispelling myths and breaking stereotypes; sharing their own personal journey to help you in yours and with a surprising over-riding message!
In this book you will:
•Learn the asexual perspectives of Aromantics; Heteroromantics; Homoromantics; Panromantics; Grey Aces; Demi-sexual; Biromantic; Agender; Transgender; Polyamorous and many more.
•Uncover Asexuals’ deepest fears, concerns and worries about being asexual.
•Find out possible reasons why, in general, society does not accept asexuality as a sexual orientation in its own right and what we can do about this to change the world!
•Discover what asexuals really believe are the differences between sexual attraction, sexual desire and arousal.
•Find out what asexuals really think of nudity; porn; masturbation; BDSM and kinks.
•Discover what it feels like to have sex as an asexual and how to cope with the sexualized world that we live in.
•Find out what asexuals think about living together, about marriage and about having kids.
•Discover what an ideal asexual relationship would look like and whether asexuals believe a relationship with a sexual would be fair or not.
•Uncover the positives about being asexual.
•Find out what advice asexuals would give to a younger version of themselves regarding asexuality and what advice they would give to others who are just discovering they may be asexual.
I feel truly blessed that all interviewees have been willing to open up and share their most intimate moments, thoughts, feelings and emotions with you. What you are about to read is unique, amazing, interesting, sometimes candidly humorous, fascinating and insightful. This is their story, now it’s their time to tell it.
Heteroromantic, Author Sandra Bellamy is the founder of www.asexualise.com, with products, resources and services for asexuals. She sees herself as an ambassador for asexuality and is on a mission to get asexuality recognised as a sexual orientation in its own right throughout the globe so that no asexual has to live in fear of ridicule ever again. By purchasing this book you will gain a deeper understanding of this often misunderstood sexual orientation and help to spread awareness of asexuality at the same time. We may be small in numbers, but we can still make a huge difference to the world at large and celebrate our diversity.
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In my Asexual Perspectives book, I say I will not date a heterosexual again as they all need sex in the end. But I did give it a go and dated a heterosexual guy for almost two who months, who said he could live without sex. I am no longer dating him or seeing him as he was no good for me in other ways.
Dating him was a very interesting experience from a personal asexuality point of view. Because it was the first time I had dated a heterosexual guy, whilst consciously being fully aware that I don’t experience sexual attraction, but I do have high arousal levels and exhibit some sexual behaviour in regards to passionate kissing.
I did date a heterosexual guy for a night in July 2014, and I found out I was asexual in March 2014, and at the end of the night he wanted me to be his girlfriend and as I did not like sex, he said it was okay, he would do that with other women – I was fuming mad about that!! I am definitely not a poly person and so this was a complete insult.
Back then I did not totally understand my Asexual identity. I was not so confident about it. And I was certainly never consciously aware that I had high arousal levels, that I had previously mistaken for sexual attraction in my past relationships and dating. At that point, I think I was still toying with the typical Grey A definition of experiencing sexual attraction but not enough to want to act on it. I thought this may be where I am at. But I began to realise it wasn’t, as I never had a thought in head that I want to have sex, with anyone. Not even my long-term ex of 8.5 years – even though we did have sex sometimes, I never actually thought “I want to have sex”.
It was very soon after this date in 2014, that I tried masturbation for the first time. I didn’t like it but I understood why some people do, and that it can become addictive. I also noticed around that same time, when I was in asexual forums and sex was being discussed, that my body would involuntarily get aroused and this really freaked me out, as I don’t like, want, or need sex ever, in my life, again.
Since that time and across my Asexual journey, I have realised that I can still get involuntarily aroused by the mention of the word sex, even though I am personally sex repulsed for me these days. I can get aroused from accidentally seeing some porn style pics on Twitter, when I detest porn and never go to look at that. And also I can get aroused just by thinking about passionate kissing, or just by thinking about the word ‘aroused’, with no one else involved but me. I don’t fantasize. I don’t need anyone to arouse me and I don’t need to touch myself to be aroused, I can just think about it and feel it almost instantly in my body.
So with this awakening, with all of the personal fears and boundaries I have conquered and with how explicitly I am now able to talk about sex, both online and offline, I actually realise that I like to express myself freely, in quite a sexual manner, when serious about a guy and in a relationship with him. The guy I was dating I was very serious about and even though we were not in an official relationship, we had discussed being in one in the future and acted far more serious than just dating. We kept seeing each other more and more. So splitting from dating him was tough, but he was no good for me in the end so I had to.
His past sexual life was not good, he was honest about this and in the beginning of me dating him, he regularly talked about sex in a – it was such an awesome thing to do way. So I said I did not believe if he kissed me that he could live without sex. So he said to try him and for a while of course I did not. But I realised that if I could not do that, there was no chance of me ever being in a relationship with him. So after speaking to one of my best girl friends about my worries and fears, one night I was so brave and decided to go for it. Prior to that he kept saying I was physically stronger than him, as my muscles were bigger than his and he goes to the gym!! I told him that if I did kiss him, then I wanted to be in total control of that, reminded him that whatever happened, I would not want sex, ever. So I ended up always being on top of him, passionately kissing him and doing all the work with my clothes on and he could relax, be aroused and enjoy himself immensely. He was not good at kissing when we started, but I am a good trainer and leader in that respect, so it did not take long to get that to be good.
So when I kissed passionately on top of him, I got highly aroused and made all of the noises like we were having sex, including the heavy breathing, which just happens naturally with me and I cannot help it. In fact my behaviour, with kissing him all over his chest and the way my body moved and was close to his, was sexual in behaviour, yet not once did I think I want sex with him. I kept asking myself would that ever change and that surely with this amount of arousal and sexual behaviour you should feel sexual attraction and want it. But I just didn’t. I just never could feel that way. Even though I loved snogging him and being free to express myself sexually in this way, kissing his chest and kissing and sucking his nipples, and sucking and kissing his earlobes, I concluded that I am 100% asexual and despite having high arousal levels and some sexual behaviour, I never experience sexual attraction. But my fear is that I am seen as too sexual in behaviour for some asexuals and not sexual enough to be in a long-term relationship with a heterosexual. I feel a bit trapped, like I am between a rock and a hard place, if you pardon the expression, with no way out, unless I happen to get a heteroromantic match whose Grey A areas are almost identical to my own. I like to keep my clothes on, so that is not sexual enough for some asexuals who love touching the naked body. Or as some would see it, sensual, but not sexual. Still, at least I am confident that I am not a demi-sexual and I am not a text book Grey A. In my Asexual Perspectives book I redefine Grey A to mean Grey Areas, so I mean a person is asexual, but has some sexual behaviour or things they like to do that are seen as sexual beyond masturbation – which some consider is sexual in behaviour. So when I say I am Grey A, this is what I mean, I don’t experience sexual attraction, but I am sexual in behaviour with passionate kissing, but still very much Asexual.
To find out more about what asexuals really think of Love, Life and Sex, shop for Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories on Amazon!