So a question I see cropping up a lot in internet search results is, what does it feel like to be asexual?

There is no one single way to answer this as there is not one way of being asexual. There are so many different types of asexuals across the spectrum of asexuality sexual orientation, that to give a single answer to this question and you think that’s it, would not give a true picture. There are also too many types of asexuals to include in this post. However, here are some ways it feels like to be asexual:

• Some asexuals don’t experience romantic attraction at all, these people are called aromantic asexuals (aro-ace). These people may feel romance repulsion, or just have no idea what everyone is talking about in terms of romance, as to them, romance is a foreign language. So they may feel left out of those conversations. They may feel sad that romance is such a big deal in society and that not enough importance is given to platonic relationships.
• Some asexuals are romantic only in limited, rare, or specific circumstances, or they feel romantic attraction but not enough to want to act on it. They are called grey romantic asexuals. These people are also on the aromantic spectrum, and so will likely feel similar to aromantic asexuals, but in essence they can feel a little romance, so are less likely to feel romance repulsion and more likely  to consider a relationship of some sort but most likely won’t experience romantic attraction enough to want to be in a romantic relationship that often, or at all.
• Cupioromantic asexuals desire a romantic relationship despite not experiencing romantic attraction. They are on the aromantic spectrum of the asexuality spectrum. Cupioromantics often have a strong desire and need to pursue and/or be in a romantic relationship. Some can feel very frustrated that they don’t actually feel romance and it can feel upsetting for them. Others can just have a strong need or desire for a romantic relationship but they are still happy to be single. And for other cupioromantics they can want a romantic relationship but the lack of romantic attraction makes it very difficult for them to achieve that.
• A demiromantic asexual is someone on the aromantic spectrum of the asexuality spectrum, who can only experience romantic attraction once, and not until, a deep emotional bond has been formed. This is usually very hard for them to achieve and the fact they don’t experience any romantic attraction otherwise, means they usually feel like aromantic asexuals in the sense they will often form close platonic friendships and not naturally feel romance for someone. They will usually be open to have a romantic relationship and may even seek one, but not achieve the feelings of romance for someone. This can be very frustrating for the person who has fallen in romantic love with them, because they might never feel the same way back for them, or it could take years to achieve it.
• The romantic asexuals; such as biromantic asexual who is attracted to 2 genders or sexes, the panromantic asexual who is attracted to multiple genders or sexes, and homoromantic asexual who is attracted to the same gender or sex, and heteroromantic – who is romantically attracted to the opposite gender or sex, their feelings of romance can range from intense (such as hyper-romantic) with a strong need for romance and lots of it in their life, as well as a romantic relationship, and will often see things in a romantic way that others may not, to those who desire a romantic relationship but who have less of a need for romance in their life. Many romantic asexuals will really want love without sex in a relationship, and find it very frustrating and upsetting that almost everyone in society centres relationships around sex and disappointed that society associates not only sex with love, but romance with sex. They can feel a strong desire to kiss, cuddle, and hold hands and be physically close in some way with their partner, without the sex. They can feel like they don’t want to be on their own when they are older and die alone, and really crave closeness and affection without the sex. They can feel afraid to be alone their whole life and never find a partner; this is especially true for sex repulsed asexuals.

As asexuals in broad terms, have a lack of sexual attraction in common, it drives us crazy that a relationship is valued by society on how much sex you are having within it. We feel sad about this, as we don’t naturally feel a need, urge, or want, for sex, and we can live, love, and be happy without sex forever. We can feel like an alien in a foreign world, with people (sexuals), speaking a foreign language that we don’t understand or relate to. Growing up can feel lonely, depressing, and upsetting, like you are an outcast and don’t belong. But it can also be a relief to not have to focus our life around sex, and we can have lots of projects on the go at once and many different interests, which means we can get a lot done with all that sex we’re not having, and be creative and/or active in some way. We can often like the more sweet, innocent parts of a relationship, like you would have in the earlier part of a relationship before sex gets in the way, and you are expected to perform. When we kiss and touch, for some asexuals we may feel aroused, and others asexuals feel no arousal at all. When I kissed a guy in a club for almost an hour and had no arousal, it felt like a wooden clog down there! Nothing! All the sensation was purely in the mouth, with the lips and tongue. It’s quite a weird feeling from down below, but the kissing was still enjoyable for me. Many asexuals prefer cuddling to kissing.

Asexuality is a spectrum, and there are Grey asexuals who experience sexual attraction, under limited, rare, or specific circumstances, or who experience it, but not enough to want to act on it. For these asexuals, they are often somewhere between asexual and sexual and can feel lost and like they are caught between a rock and a hard place, neither fully fitting in society with asexuals or sexuals. It can be very difficult to find anyone for a suitable relationship because they can all have very different limits and boundaries where physical touching, likes, and dislikes are concerned.

I hope this blog article has helped you to understand more about what does it feel like to be asexual.

Until next time, stay ace!

Sandra xx

P.S. If you want to find out more about asexuality, shop for my Asexual Perspectives book here https://amzn.to/3kZDVka and if you want one-to-one coaching, check out my coaching page here – ASEXUAL COACH