I Love Kissing But Not Sex – How Asexuality Transformed My Life – With Asexual Author Sandra Bellamy

Posted on by Asexualise
I was interviewed by Catana @TransformationalArtWithCatana  about how Asexuality completely transformed my life! “I love kissing but not sex.”

It all started in 2014, when I went to see a counsellor, because I was worried that I wanted a relationship and liked kissing and romance, but I didn’t like sex, and she told me, “I’m worried about you, because if you want a good guy, you will need to have sex to keep him.”

I was absolutely horrified!

This was the worst thing I could have been told…

I thought to myself, how can any guy be good for me, if they want me to do something to me, that I don’t want to do?
To me, that’s like giving a guy a license to rape me – and that’s not happening.

It meant she was telling me I can’t get love without sex, and that my only value and worth of being in a relationship with a “good” guy, is based on if I have sex with him or not!

Not only is this sending a very dangerous message to me and anyone who is counselled by her…
… it’s the equivalent of saying that anyone who doesn’t have sex, cannot get a “good” guy, so they can’t have a “good” relationship, and aren’t worthy of love.

So what happens to all the people who are not asexual, but who can’t have sex because their disability or special needs, makes it impossible to do that and too painful???

What happens to all the impotent people in the world who can’t have sex???

Do these people also, not deserved to be loved without sex?

Do the they just end up with “bad” guys, because having sex, somehow changes a bad guy into a good guy???

I don’t think so. If they are a bad guy, having sex with them is not going to make them good.

What a load of bullshit.

And if people measure how much they are loved in a relationship by the amount of sex they are or are not having, they are valuing their own worth on how much contact they have with another person’s genitals, which they can’t control, – so there’s no wonder there are high divorced rates, broken relationships, and people feeling unloved and worthless.

So I went back home and Googled “I love kissing but not sex” and this is what happened next…

Listen closely to this until the end, and I am sure you will see how being asexual can be the best thing you ever discover about yourself, and create so many amazing life transformations, to truly enhance and empower your asexual life xx

ASEXUALISE DATING SUCCESS STORY | How Two Asexual Grey Romantics Found Love In Asexualise No Sex Dating Group!

Posted on by Asexualise

I am absolutely thrilled that two people in my Asexualise Dating group, specifically for asexuals who never want sex, have formed a meaningful asexual no sex relationship! And what’s particularly interesting with this success story, is both the happy couple are on the aromantic asexual spectrum (those who lack romantic attraction and sexual attraction). Asexual Love is ace!

I interviewed Patricia to discover more about how this asexual relationship started. Here are her answers told in her own words …

What was your relationship status was before you joined the group and what difficulties you were having finding someone suitable for a relationship?

I was single when I joined the group. I wasn’t really having a hard time with finding a relationship. It wasn’t an important thing in my life. It just wasn’t the most important thing.

How did you come across the Asexualise Dating group specifically for those who never want sex?

I came across the group looking for friends and if it turns into something else great. I was in other ace groups and I saw this one and decided to give it a go. I wasn’t too sure what to expect with a relationship. I have seen a lot of older movies with romance, so I kinda think I know what I want.

How long was it before you found your potential partner in the group?

I’m not sure. I’m bad with timeframes. I met one guy. He wasn’t supportive. My last friend died and I told him and he gave me no support. Next was Eric who I’m seeing now. So maybe a year.

Were there people in the group you liked before you met your partner but for some reason they weren’t suitable?

I never really looked for someone because I’m ace grey aromantic. So it’s wasn’t a huge thing, but I was interested in what I could find.

Who made the first move in terms of messaging and what happened?

Eric did I believe. We started talking in your Asexualise No Sex Dating group in September 2017 and continue talking. We got together in July 2018. I asked him with nervousness, and we felt the same! We had more of the cicadas that summer, and I would call him up as I walked to the senior centre where I volunteer. I would freak out over the birds shadow thinking it would be a cicada and I don’t want to deal with that! I hate bugs! But it’s nice… to have company on my walks. We make each other laugh. We both love video games, we both love nature. He has some albinism so he doesn’t like brightness. But I’m excited to learn Swedish. I’ve always liked the idea of Sweden since I watch the YouTuber PewDiePie. So I’m excited for that.

I know you both live in different countries. How are you planning to move over there? When will this happen? Do you already have a job lined up and will you live together or not at first?

Okay this a long one. He lives in Sweden. I live in the USA. I’m planning to apply for citizenship, but I have to live in the USA for a year, so probably in 2020 I will move. I don’t know when in 2020 though. I plan on moving into his apartment. It will be awkward at first because I have lived on my own for so long, as he has also. So yeah, it will be awkward. I don’t currently have a job, I’m unable to work. I have a cat and puppy, both female.They will be coming too. So no, I don’t have a job lined up, I plan on applying for sick pay. It will also be a good mental and emotional health booster to get away from toxic family members.

Also he and I want a Nordic wedding. NO real wedding plans yet! Just silly talk of it. But I do make jokes that I want an all white wedding, but would he blend in as he has some albino in him, lol! We haven’t said, “I love you yet” but we may in the future when we are physically together.

What would you say to anyone else who is asexual and not looking for sex ever and thinking about joining the group?

I would say, finding a partner takes time and could take longer than me. Moving would be a big thing, but it will need to be done for it to work out.

What advice would you give to other asexuals in general, who are looking for a serious relationship with another asexual without sex?

It takes time. Friendships are important to make as they could turn into something more. When going into the dating scene look for a friendship first. Let it grow. Take your time. Don’t rush.

I need to stress it is so important to have a caring and supportive relationship. He and I are so caring and supportive of each other. I love how we can laugh about things. Also I tend to rant and he will calmly let me know and I stop. He doesn’t judge. I don’t either. If people want to get an idea of how we are, just look up the gif series milkandmocha (milk and mocha) it’s sooo us!

Don’t give up. There is hope for those who are ace and grey aromantics, because Eric and I are both grey aro and we were lucky enough to find each other. I’m agender though and he respects that. That makes me happy. So yeah we make each other very happy.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If you are reading this and you are asexual (not sexual), and you want to join this Asexualise no sex dating group, for asexuals who never want sex, how can you apply?

If you are asexual, single, and never want sex, ever, you can apply to be in my Asexualise Dating group, for asexuals who are looking for a serious and committed no sex ever relationship. There will be questions to answer in order to gain access to the group and not everyone is guaranteed to be accepted, however, many are! Here is the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/acexualisedating/

If however you are on the more Grey Asexual or Demisexual end of the Asexual Spectrum and/or, you may want or be wiling to have sex upon occasion, then please don’t request to be in my no sex ever dating group and request to be in this one instead https://www.facebook.com/groups/greyacexualdatinganddemiacexualdating/

If you are asexual and just looking for asexual friends, then please request to join this group https://www.facebook.com/groups/acefriendsrus/

Thanks so much to Patricia and Eric for sharing their wonderful Asexualise Dating successful love story and explaining how they met in my Asexualise Dating group, which is specifically for those asexuals who never want sex ever. I wish you lots of love and happiness forever xx

And if you are looking for more relationship insights, don’t forget to get a copy of my Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories, Love, Life and Sex, ACElebration of Asexual Diversity book here  ASEXUAL PERSPECTIVES

BOOK: KINDLE http://amzn.to/2l8kppt

PAPERBACK: http://amzn.to/2td7y8D (UK) http://amzn.to/2tMXhls

PDF https://sellfy.com/quirkybooks.net

Until next time, as always, stay ace!

Sandra xx

Value Your Worth Enough To Walk Away Sooner! Look for these red flags! #asexuality #relationships #dating

Posted on by Asexualise

In this video, which I broadcast on Asexual Awareness Week (21st-27th of Oct 2018), I explain why it is much better for you to value your worth and walk away sooner rather than later. I speak of red flags, inconsistencies of behaviour, and a lack of investment in you! If there are any red flags it’s much better for you to value your worth and walk away sooner rather than later. Look out for these red flags!self

Until next time, stay Ace

Sandra xx

What Is The Difference Between Having Sex And Making Love?

Posted on by Asexualise

What is the difference between having sex and making love?

So you may be wondering as an asexual why I am talking about the difference between having sex and making love, well you will need to watch the video to find out, but all I can say is it seems many heterosexuals don’t understand the difference even. It took me ages to get it, and then the penny dropped!

If you are ever attempting to have a relationship with a sexual and you think you will even a tiny bit contemplate having sex at some point, this video is an absolute must watch for getting at least some satisfaction out of the experience – even if it’s not totally in the conventional sense!

Hope you find this video helpful, useful, and insightful? If you do, please subscribe to my channel, hit the thumbs up on this video, and hit the bell icon so you get notified of every time I post a new video or go live! And be sure to share this video with a friend or anyone who may benefit from it!

Until next time, stay ace

Sandra xx

ASEXUAL PERSPECTIVES 47 REAL LIFE ASEXUAL STORIES NOT TEXT BOOK DEFINITIONS

Posted on by Asexualise
Asexual Perspectives
Asexual Perspectives Book
ASEXUAL PERSPECTIVES: 47 ASEXUAL STORIES: LOVE, LIFE and SEX, ACElebration of ASEXUAL DIVERSITY

ASEXUAL PERSPECTIVES

One asexual from my Asexual Friends group was asking about my Asexual Perspectives book and did not realise that the 47 stories are real life asexual experiences of what it really means to be asexual in this sexualised world. This 560 page book took me a year to write and I interviewed asexuals from all over the globe and across the asexual spectrum. The best thing about this book is it is NOT A BOOK OF TEXT BOOK DEFINITIONS OF ASEXUALITY, IT IS A COLLECTION OF REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES that SHOWS you THE DIVERSITY OF THE ASEXUAL SPECTRUM, and can deepen your under of asexuality as a whole, with many relatable stories.

When you first discover you are asexual, it is like you have found your FREEDOM, and a HUGE weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I constantly get asked questions about asexuals and asexuality and this book answers all of them and so much more:

Can asexuals masturbate?
Can I still be asexual if I watch porn?
Can an asexual have a relationship with a sexual and make it work?
Can asexuals really find love and a relationship with another asexual?
If I have had sex in the past, but have no desire for it now and have not for some time, could I still be asexual?
What advice would you give to someone who is just discovering they are asexual?

In this book you will find out the answers to all those questions and so much more.

In this book you will read stories of how difficult it is being asexual in a sexualised world, how people ALWAYS knew they were different, but did not know why or how! BUT you will also read what the POSITIVES TO BEING ASEXUAL are.

In this book you will:

•Learn the asexual perspectives of Aromantics; Heteroromantics; Homoromantics; Panromantics; Grey Aces; Demi-sexual; Biromantic; Agender; Transgender; Polyamorous and many more.

•Uncover Asexuals’ deepest fears, concerns and worries about being asexual.

•Find out possible reasons why, in general, society does not accept asexuality as a sexual orientation in its own right and what we can do about this to change the world!

•Discover what asexuals really believe are the differences between sexual attraction, sexual desire and arousal.

•Find out what asexuals really think of nudity; porn; masturbation; BDSM and kinks.

•Discover what it feels like to have sex as an asexual and how to cope with the sexualized world that we live in.

•Find out what asexuals think about living together, about marriage and about having kids.

•Discover what an ideal asexual relationship would look like and whether asexuals believe a relationship with a sexual would be fair or not.

•Find out what advice asexuals would give to a younger version of themselves regarding asexuality and what advice they would give to others who are just discovering they may be asexual.

Asexual Perspectives is 47 Real Life Asexual Stories and makes the ideal self-love gift or a gift for that asexual friend! Perfect for a Christmas treat.

You can get it directly from Amazon here https://amzn.to/2LE1D2o

ASEXUALITY CONFERENCE UK 2018 ASEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS DISCUSSION: WITH ASEXUALISE’S SANDRA BELLAMY

Posted on by Asexualise

Here is the first video (Asexual Relationships) from the Asexuality Conference UK. I was in a team 3 for this panel discussion and it is interesting to hear the varying viewpoints, and my short talk about Asexual Relationships starts about 03.48. My friend recorded this for me, and edited it for me. The person who introduces us did not want to be filmed, so you can only hear their voice and they have been cut out of any visuals.

 

YOUNG ASEXUAL LOVE – WHAT’S IT LIKE FOR AN OLDER ASEXUAL WOMAN TO LIKE YOUNGER ASEXUAL GUYS

Posted on by Asexualise
Asexual older girl looks for asexual younger guy

AGE GAP LOVE

So what’s it like for an older asexual woman to like younger asexual guys? It’s difficult, not from a loving part of view, but for the following reasons:

  • Because of the stigma surrounding older women liking younger guys – still! I could not care less what people think as I know I am meant to be with a younger guy, but it’s not just about me, it’s what the younger guy believes and his family – in a nutshell though, if he is not proud to be with me, he can take a hike as is obviously not right for me and it’s not meant to be! My parents are cool with me wanting to be with a much younger guy in birth certificate age in his 20s as they know how young I am, how young I like to be, and my young interests. An older guy, or anyone near my birth certificate age would be too old for me and not suitable!
  • Similarly you have the fact that some younger guys like an older woman but are secretive about it and may say loving, caring stuff towards you in private, then publicly pretend they don’t like older women – like why would they! At the end of the day, this guy is not worth my time and energy and it’s no go! They obviously have the problem not being able to authentically be themselves in life. Of course culture and background can influence this, but that does not mean it’s right or good for me. So it’s no go!
  • Because of the differences in being in two different countries – I have the added complication of preferring to be with an asexual foreign guy, rather than British, and I live in the UK and love it, and my specific flat I live in, so moving is not an option for me. And if for example, a guy is in his early 20s and lives abroad, he usually lacks the finances and resources to move over here, which leads to heartache and heartbreak – at best we remain friends, at worse it results in blocking this person out of my life for good.

It’s hard to find a younger foreign guy who is genuine about his feelings for me. Younger guys, in particularly foreign, as I have most experience with them, tend to be liars and not genuine in their feelings for me, and want to be with me to get something out of me, such as:

  • Marriage, which I don’t want ever anyway – so it’s nope!
  • To use me for my business brain to progress their own career – not with me – not happening! They want my business mentorship, they can pay for it like anyone else!
  • And similarly using me for business opportunities – not happening, I build my businesses from scratch and I work damn hard, so I am not about to give any of that over to someone I don’t know that well, who has just come into my life to take what he can get, not happening!
  • For me to give them job in the UK – No, if you want to be with me for me, go find your own job and work hard like I do.
  • For them to live with me. No, I rent, and love my flat, and only allowed one person to live in it, so that is not an option with me! I also like living on my own and have done so for years, if you want to live around the corner from me, that would be ace, but you need to be proactive with that and not expect to live with me as I am happier on my own in that respect.
  • For me to cook, clean, do housework, and “look after them”. No, no, no! I am not a mother or housemaid, cleaner upper, or slave! Not happening. I hate these things, so why would you want me to be unhappy in my life by expecting or wanting me to do these things for you? This is not putting my best interests at heart but yours, you must do you own housework, cooking, and cleaning! If you want to cook for me, fine, but don’t expect this back as I don’t like cooking or enjoy it, I will cook the bare minimum for myself only and do only the minimal amount of housework to get by! Life is for living, not focusing on housework and such! Doesn’t make me happy, so it’s not happening. If you want emotional support, I can give you that! If you want bestest ever friendship and a kind, caring, and loving life partner personality, I can give you that. If you want kisses and cuddles and someone to go out to the movies with to watch kids or superhero films and eat out, that would be ace! But you need to love me for me, not for what you can get out of me!

Aside from these complications, there is the feelings complications. What I mean by this is, I don’t feel comfortable being physically close to an older guy or a guy anywhere near my own with certificate age, it may seem ironic but I feel it would be liking dating my dad, not literally, but you get what I mean and that is gross!

I don’t see myself as the birth certificate age I am. I see myself as a young business girl, who is happy to look like a girl, with a lot of experience and knowledge, who is super intelligent, with some male traits, rather than being an adult “woman”. In fact I like to be called girl most of the time, not woman, apart from in business – then it’s okay to be called girl or woman!

With much younger (foreign) guys in their 20s, I can see me cuddling and kissing the right one, I can see me being in their cuddle, I don’t get this with older guys, I am not attracted to manly or macho men, can’t stand them to be honest! I don’t mind having older British guys as mates only and yes, I can hug them hello or goodbye, but that is it!

If I was with an older guy, he would be foreign, as I think foreign guys in general – look younger anyway most of the time! Or at least the ones I zoom in on more are, but I really cannot see me being with an older guy, only with a younger guy in his 20s. This is when I am my most comfortable, both talking wise, physically, and soulmate type wise! One day I hope my wish comes true because I really believe I am worth it and it would be ace!

Until next time, stay ace.

Sandra xx

 

What Is A Cupioromantic? Can Aromantic Asexuals Be Romantic?

Posted on by Asexualise

What is a Cupioromantic? You may come across this term on asexual dating sites and in asexual groups and forums. But what does it mean to be a Cupioromantic? A Cupioromantic is someone who is aromantic and although lacking in romantic attraction, still desires a romantic relationship! But in practise what does this mean! And can aromantics really be romantic, if they lack romantic attraction? Watch this video to find out more!

In case you didn’t know, there are both Asexual aromantics – those who lack sexual attraction and romantic attraction and sexual aromantics – those who lack romantic attraction but who are still sexual and experience sexual attraction.

 

ASEXUAL DATING – DON’T BE AFRAID TO BLOCK!! FACEBOOK BLOCKING

Posted on by Asexualise
It is okay to block

In my vast asexual dating experience, and particularly in asexual dating groups on Facebook, there are so many people who get worried about Facebook blocking someone who is clearly from an outside point of view being emotional abusive, nasty, or hurtful.

They spend ages worried about what the other person will think, about if that person really is being horrible to them, about maybe they should just keep the relationship going, give them chance after chance and feeling like they have to continue the relationship for some reason, or worse, that if they don’t continue it something bad will happen to them, or they will be harassed forever, (due to emotional and mental blackmail by the other person).

They sometimes realise the person is being harmful and hurtful, but still continue the relationship. This can be because they have feelings for them, or they feel it is less hassle to, or they think that person may change and don’t want to lose that connection. I totally get this as I used to be that type of person, but I learnt in my life that how we are treated is how we allow ourself to be treated, so if we feel bad because someone’s actions and attitude is not nice, disrespectful, rude, or abusive, we need to remove ourself from that situation and free ourself, instead of wasting our time and allowing ourself to be abused. I also learnt that another person’s problems is not MY problem, and that it is okay to walk away out of self-respect, self-love and self-worth!

I hope you found that helpful? Would love to hear what you think?

Until next time, stay ace

Sandra xx

ACE 21ST MINDSET BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION! Disneyland Paris!

Posted on by Asexualise
Disneyland Paris 25th Anniversary Birthday Special

 

Well today (24th of April), I get to be 21 again.

I am a huge believer in mindset being the key to success and happiness and that we get to choose:

  • Our mindset age.
  • The way we live our life.
  • Our own happiness.
  • And ultimately everything that comes from us.

For the past few years I have been getting younger in mindset and last year I decided to be 21 in mindset, and had my 21st mindset birthday in Disneyland Paris – which I so miss! I had a Toy Story decorated room which made me super excited! – The Wallpaper looked 3D in my opinion! What do you think?

I miss that place so much and really wished I could be back there again, it was at one with my soul and I felt totally at peace there. Lights, camera, action, noise – that makes me feel peaceful and incredibly happy. I like being different to everyone else and I enjoy noise and that type of environment. Actually it was very peaceful around the lake when walking back to my hotel on site at night. It was fabulous to be out at night and experiencing the reflection of the lights on the water and being able to walk on my own feeling very safe and happy, and that everyone there was singing from the same hymn sheet and just wanted to enjoy life and be happy and experience the magic, beauty, and wonder of it all.

If you missed my video last year of my highlights, here it is again!

For the previous two years prior to the last – so 2015/2016, I was 23 in mindset age, so I skipped a year, or rather I made a conscious decision to be 23 years for 2 years on the trot. I considered being 22 this year, but for now, I am very happy to stick with my 21st mindset that works so well for me. So I mostly get attracted to much younger guys in birth certificate age, in their 20s, and it’s really easy for me to get a sexual guy in his 20s to want a relationship with me, but an asexual guy in his 20s is harder, which I find quite ironic! I am really young in lifestyle and mindset and relate far better to younger guys. I really don’t believe I am the birth certificate age I am, I feel like it’s a joke, although I am super grateful for being born into this beautiful world.

And one of my blogging friends Ralph, who follows me on my www.quirkybooks.wordpress.com blog, has found a much younger true love and is going to be married soon, so there is hope for me to find my asexual true love, but right now I am happy being single and living life to the max, whatever happens!

If you have never seen my video from my Disneyland Paris 2014 trip of the elephant in the Rainforest Cafe, here it is

It’s the most popular video on my www.youtube.com/quirkybooksTV channel!

Until next time, stay ace!

Sandra xx

 

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