There are many common myths about asexuals and asexuality. Some due to ignorance, some due to closed mindedness and others are just outright confused, which I put largely down to a lack of education and societal conditioning! So here are 10 Common myths about asexuals and asexuality – busted!
- Asexuals never have sex – Simply not true. Some asexuals never have sex and others choose to do it or try it, for whatever reason. This could be to please a partner; to do it as an activity to do, which they may even find fun, like a bored game; or to have kids.
- If asexuals don’t have sex, then they never masturbate! – Not true! Whilst some asexuals don’t ever masturbate, other’s do, because they do have a libido, despite it not being aimed at any one, as they don’t experience sexual attraction.
- Asexuals are asexual because they “can’t get laid” – Not true. Asexuals can have sex if they want to, many don’t want to as they are not sexually attracted to anyone and so sex does not appeal to them. However, some asexuals do have sex and I am asexual and had sex in the past with some of my heterosexual ex boyfriends. I don’t want to have sex ever again, as these days I am personally sex-repulsed for me.
- Asexuals are just people who can’t get dates – Wrong. Many asexuals can get dates, but with sex usually expected at the end of the date, many asexuals would rather not bother. On the other hand, if sex is not on the table, then a large number of sexuals won’t want to have a date with an asexual, (unless they believe we will change our mind about having sex if we previously said we don’t want it), because they want sex and it’s important that they get it, and if they don’t, there is a lower incentive for them to date an asexual – Even though we have got many awesome qualities and can make someone happy without sex, some sexuals need sex, and that is it!
- Asexuals never have any sexual behaviour! – Not true. Whilst some don’t exhibit any sexual behaviour, others do! Sometimes this is behind closed doors, such as masturbating themselves, or they may have oral sex, anal sex, or masturbate their partner! It may also be in front of others, such as dancing very sexily, like grinding!
- If someone is asexual then it means they are gay or lesbian – Wrong. Whilst asexuality is considered to be part of the LGBT+QIA acronym – the A standing for asexual, but some also consider it to stand for Allie, Agender or Androgynous , it does not mean all asexuals are gay and lesbian, in fact in terms of not being sexually attracted to anyone, gay or lesbian may be considered the wrong term to use for those who are attracted to the same gender, just not sexually. However, some asexuals may identify as a gay or lesbian asexual – for example a homoromantic; homo – meaning attracted to the same gender, romantic – meaning they are attracted romantically (to the same gender). And some asexuals like me, identify as heteroromantic. Hetero – meaning attracted to the opposite gender – romantically. It does annoy me when I say to someone I am asexual and they say, “So you’re a lesbian then” and I say, “No, I am attracted only to guys, but romantically, not sexually. I love to kiss, cuddle and hold their hand, but I don’t want sex with them as I don’t experience any sexual attraction. I have had sex in the past because I thought I had to, as part of a ‘normal’ relationship, before I found out I am asexual! I have gay and lesbian friends, but I am not a lesbian.”
- Asexuals never get attracted to anyone. Wrong again! Some asexuals, for example some aromantic asexuals – those who are neither romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, may not experience any type of attraction to anyone, others will likely experience platonic attraction. Many other types of asexuals do experience some form of attraction, even though it’s not sexual. So they could experience romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction, intelligence attraction, spiritual attraction, emotional attraction. And in my case I experience all those towards different guys, and I also experience creative attraction and clothes attraction. So I get super attracted to guys who are creative and making things and doing stuff. I also get attracted to guys wearing certain types of clothes, such as the ‘street’ look, or a black and white suit! And as part of my intelligence attraction, I get super attracted to guys who are into IT, and can build websites and code! With that attraction, coupled with romance and intelligence attraction, well I just want to snog (passionately kiss) the guy! I am a rare asexual in that I don’t experience any platonic attraction, which means I get some type of attraction for my close guy friends even, which can be rather annoying at times, as I don’t wish to feel romantic over a guy who is just a friend, but as I am also a hyper-romantic, I just have to let myself feel these feelings and accept they are a part of me. Resisting them makes things worse, so it’s best just to be open, upfront and honest about it. And no, I don’t want multiple partners as I am fiercely monogamous, not polyamorous. I would rather focus my attractions towards one romantic partner, if I had one.
- Asexuals never watch porn! This isn’t true either! Whilst there are asexuals, like me, who never ‘watch’ porn, in fact I personally detest it, I know some asexuals that do watch porn. Many asexuals who do this, say it helps them to masturbate, which they want to do, to relive their libido.
- Asexuals never participate in BDSM! Nope! This isn’t true! Some asexuals do participate in BDSM, just without the sexual intercourse. Some asexuals who do have sex, may participate in BDSM whilst also having sex. I personally hate BDSM and want to run a mile from anyone wanting to do that to/with me. Luckily not one heterosexual ex, ever even hinted at that.
- Asexuals never have any fetishes! Still wrong! Some asexuals do have fetishes. I have known a few asexual guys who have foot fetishes for example, which makes them want to massage a partner’s feet, and pay close attention to their feet, without the person putting their foot in their penis and stroking their penis with it – which apparently is what a sexual guy likes to do, if he has a foot fetish, or so I was told by one asexual guy, but as I don’t get involved with fetishes either, and I thankfully have not had a relationship in the past with a guy like this, which is my preference, then I have no hands on experience of this, if you pardon the pun!
At the end of the day, ALL asexuals are different and whatever they do or don’t like is up to them and it’s up to you! Our difference is our beauty and it’s more important to be a diverse group of people than copycats of others. There is no one size fits all, when it comes to being asexual or having asexuality as your sexual orientation and that’s ACE!
To quote Wikipedia, the full definition of asexuality is:
“Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.[1][2][3] It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof.[4][5][6] It may also be categorized more widely to include a broad spectrum of asexual sub-identities.[7]”
If you want to discover more about these asexual myths and other myths and stereotypes of asexuality, check out my Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories, Love, Life and Sex, ACElebration of Asexual Diversity book on Amazon, here https://amzn.to/2nttgoD
Until next time, always stay ACE!
And don’t forget to share this post for Asexual Awareness Week from Sunday 20th of October – Saturday 26th of October 2019, to educate others about asexuality!
Sandra xx
